DARE TO DREAM

The other day I was walking in the Rat King's Jungle ... that's what I like to call Harlem ... when out of nowhere I was bum-rushed by a rancid-smelling yet charming homeless man who reminded me of an agile and slightly irritated adult Panda Bear.


He was asking for change and then called me a snowflake, which at first I found adorable until I realized it was a racial slur.


I couldn't help but wonder... what had happened to this man?  There was definitely a story behind those coked-out eyes and I wanted to be educated.  He was reluctant when I asked him to join me for a decaf soy latte that afternoon, probably because he didn't know what a "latte" was, or that it was afternoon-time.  But we literally chatted for Minutes! He enjoyed literature and spoke freely about how we will all die shortly after the winter solstice of 2012. But I wasn't scared.  Something about this racist and smelly man comforted me... but what???


I put on my gloves before giving him a handshake goodbye when his foul breath whispered in my ear, "Dare to Dream."  As I turned to address this final farewell between fiends, he was gone.  He had vanished into the smokey pollution rising from a sewer cap.  "Dare to Dream" is a quote I live by... how but did this man know??


The experience taught me a great deal and I will have it in my memory bank for the rest of my days.  I had thought for a while that maybe God had arranged our encounter.  His final message to me, "Dare to dream," played on repeat in my head; giving me a crutch to lean on whilst walking these mean city streetz... until I find a cab to take me to my destination.


It took me 3 weeks to realize that the message strewn across my tote bag that day in large letters and a bold font was, "Dare to dream," and this man was no doubt just reading that back to me ... but I often think about that man.  And I wonder if he's daring to dream. 

my origins

i moved to NYC when i was 19.  i am from rhode island and went to the university of RI for about 20 minutes.  it was a dark time in my life.  

i had a beast of a roommate named alana.  she was a large girl, which is fine, but her loungewear of choice around the dorm were these tiny tighty-whitey underwear that were about 6 sizes too small for her larger-than-life ass.  they were hanes her way.  i only know this because i was able to see them perfectly and in great detail as she'd slowly and painfully climb up the latter to the top of the bunk bed we shared.  every fight night i was scared i was going to die in my sleep from a bunk collapse.

making friends at college was hard for me.  i'm very outgoing socially, but i don't drink or party much, i never really went through that stage in my life.  except for that one time i got experimental with blacktar heroin and lesbianism, neither of which stuck.  URI was a big frat party school and i've seen one too many law & orders so i am well-aware of what goes on at these rape parties.  no thank you.  

one day i stood outside my dorm just introducing myself to passer-bys and asking if they'd care to join me in the dining hall to go over our newly assigned schedules.  instead of a friend that day the only think i got was sexually harassed by the basketball team.

i remember one particular, very symbolic event whilst in college.  i had passed out at 8:30pm after watching CHICAGO for the 3rd time that saturday, and i woke up the next morning covered in chocolate and surrounded by a sea of reeses peeses peanut butter cup wrappers. that's right, i had ODed on loser that night.  the following week i dropped out of college.

i worked a million jobs to save up enough money to move here.  i was working at carabba's italian grille- sort of like an upscale olive garden.  all of my friends were in school and i certainly wasn't about to befriend any of the "career servers," so it was a friend-less time.  after my shift i would drive my used 1989 silver thunderbird over to taco bell and spent my hard-earned tip money on soft tacos; which i would eat alone in the parking lot while listening to britney's greatest hits.  dark.  but it was worth it.... because i wanted nothing more than to be a MTV VJ and get a guest spot on 'One Tree Hill.'

...................... to be continued

absoluTE devastatioN w/ smiling undertoNes.

hie!!!!

right now i am supposed to be in the caribbean with the family i nanny for.  i had been prepping for this trip for what feels like decades. i bought everything i needed for 6 days in the sun.  spf 100, a sun hat, multiple rashguards with spf50, and lots of chapstick. now i have a Nevis-bound suitcase packed to the brim with no where to go! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

a few weeks ago i had agonizing pain in my right year. obviously i am one for the dramatics, but this is not an exaggeration. it was brutal. turns out i had the nastiest of ear infections. (am i in 3rd grade?) even after weeks of antibiotics, my ear wasn't healed! although i'm not in any pain now, it's still super clogged up. i saw an ENT and asked if i'd be OK to fly to which she replied, "absolutely not!!" turns out i've lost 20 percent of hearing in that ear AND flying could put me in the ER with a ruptured ear drum & more hearing loss.  what the f. i'm on steroids now which is really funny, hope they help. no caribbean vacation for me :(

so the woman who bore me is coming to get me this weekend and take me to my homestead where i hope to be showered with love and presents this holiday season.  mostly presents.  i'll be there for 10ish days which is the longest time i've spent in rhode island since summer break while at acting school.  geez, what am i to do?  OH YEAH I'VE ALREADY MADE A LIST:

-mani pedis with younger sis bethie and best friend/practically sister kristen

-hang out a lot with kristen and her baby mackenna.  like an actual baby she gave birth to. she's the cutest and i plan on teaching her everything she needs to know right now. like how to look around, eat, cry, poop, roll.

-rehearsals for top secret gift i'm preparing for mom. i can't talk details because we all know my mom is one of the only people who reads this.

-iggys doughboys so i can gain 10 more pounds and then complain to my mom and bf about it

-warwick mall so i can walk around and pretend i'm still in middle school. maybe buy a CD single.

-walk my dog with dad

ok so that's it sofar but i assure you, i'll be doing A LOT more!  i'm going to party my brains out aka on demand a lot of movies.

ok i'll write more soon i'm going to take a shower for 50 minutes.

love always,

your girl C

recaP

hi, everyone!

i'm back in the nyc and feeling better than ever. as i mentioned in my last blog, i spent several days away from the city for thanksgiving "break."  admitting i enjoy time away from nyc used to fill me with guilt, because of how much i adore this town. it still does, sometimes. clearly i am one for dramatics and this next statement is no exception but:
i feel like the city is such a part of me that i am not truly myself when i am not here. i love it like i love my family (truth) and i'll never leave. it's taught me everything i know about life and love and myself. i'm sorry if that made you throw up but it's true. i re-read it and it made me throw up a little but i'm going to leave it here. because i am trying this new thing called "owning it".........

anyways, i don't think one realizes how much city-life effects you until you go on hiatus. living here you are constantly in a NO state of mind.  "NO i don't have any spare change."  "NO i do not have a minute for the environment."  "Although I am all about gay rights I do not have time to chat with you in the rain on my way to work."  Always with the NOs can be very negative.  My first few years here were full of YES. But that was way too time-consuming & exhausting and plus, i find in my experiences that YESing leaves you vulnerable and more likely to be taken advantage of. It's easier and safer to have your guard up, always, while walking these city streetz.

And then there's the obvious.  How fucking fast everyone is. Not a minute to spare while rushing to get from point A to point B.  And got forbid you miss your train. You'll find yourself cursing and doing hand gestures that you don't even know the meaning of.

While away I took a nap.  In the middle of the day i napped on a couch in a full room while a loud movie was playing.  and it.... felt..... amazing. total relaxation. we spent our days in PJs lounging around watching movies.  we went to walmart and home depot like normal people. i didn't worry about whether i locked my door or if the cockroach was back in the kitchen.  the smell of pot from my neighbors or my super knocking at the door didn't wake me. the buzzer wasn't going off because my 3 roomies decided to order food. it was quiet...

just the right about of time as well.  when i leave for too long (usually 5 days is "too long") i miss my apartment and writing and performing and crafting (lol) and can't wait to come back!  it gives me a nice little reminder of what i'm here for and i always come back more focused. so i'm very grateful for that.

before i go, i saw a buck in jersey and i kept calling it a duck and it made me laugh everytime!

i love you,
C

giving thx

a very happy thanksgiving to the millions of you who read my blog.  i hope you all have very full tummies and very happy hearts today! i'm spending my thanksgiving at my boyfriend's family's home in new jersey.  it's the best!  as much as i adore new york city, and believe me this city is my true love, it is nice and sometimes needed to take a few days away. jay's mom made a feast for me (and everyone else), and it was hysterical spending time with amanda (jay's younger sister) and her very italian boyfriend who is here in the states for the first time.  now i'm in a food coma watching 'a very gaga thanksgiving' because i'm christi chiello.  i may or may not be sobbing.

i have many projects underway *SPOILER ALERT* but i can not reveal them all to you right now ... all i will say is, i hope you guys like RAP.

i will blog soon, really this time!

gobble,
C